I’m going on a rant here, so if you don’t want to hear me bitch and complain about life, then stop reading now.  This is going to get a little personal, so some may not understand or follow this, and I apologize right now.  {It is very long, boring, and full of my pent up stress and moodiness… so I warn you, some things may seem a bit drastic, or harsh.  And I won’t edit it – much- after I write this so I will apologize if something comes across wrong, and ask for your forgiveness in my ranting temper}

This last year has been one of the most eventful of my life. 

Last summer... Well, stuff was getting rocky with my boyfriend and I was getting confused with my emotions with him...  We had been dating 3 years and were about halfway through the forth.  I had a whole group of friends at this time, surprisingly since I had been out of high school for a while and was still able to maintain contact with them (pretty easy since they lived around me). I was pretty happy with my life, there were a few things, my family was loosing money and my dad’s job was declining rapidly which caused a lot of stress and fighting in my home.  My bf and I, as I mentioned before were steady, but I was experiencing turbulence on my side of things. 

One of my other guy friends, insisted on a major camping trip that summer, since I had never really experienced it before; and I am usually the one of the group who does all the planning, however I declared I wanted a break and that started everything downhill. Of course everyone was fine and dandy with my announcement and proceeded to plan.  Well, only a few had jobs, some were still young and fresh out of high school, while others had money and cars, and been out of school for a time. Well, needless to say, there were a lot of problems, trying to get everyone to chip in equally was hard for those who didn’t have any income, transportation was limited for our large group. Some cars were un-reliable or some just didn’t want to drive. Then there was the decision on where to camp, how much, how long, and the shifting of schedules around those with work. Campsite decided, provisions settled, it seemed finally everything was settled. The week before the planned trip was supposed to happen there was a big meeting, with lots of yelling and screaming, and people got cut out. Needless to say our group was a mishmash of friends and some just didn’t seem to get along with the others.  Myself stressed to the limit and multiple times wanting just to take over but refused due to my decision of not planning anything I was stuck on the sidelines for now. Choosing to go up a day before everyone else (a Thursday to reserve a spot) with yet another male friend, chose to be one of the good ideas… Well we had a fun time driving to the spot, setting up camp, trying to find reception on the cell to call back to inform the others which site we were at, and then myself first getting nervous at hearing gunshots echo across the lake, and then barricading myself  inside his Volvo muttering about hearing noises which could be a bear (like I said earlier, I wasn’t knowledgeable about the outdoors, truth be told to me later, it was a bear cub and had been seen by my friend, who kept quiet silent until we got home, which was wandering behind the car.) Falling asleep in the car and waking up later we made refuge in the tent, only to be woken by some rude campers at 6:30 in the morning moving into the other half of the site, My friend being sick to his stomach and not able to move sent me to inform the newcomers that there were at least 3 others coming and perhaps more, and a bunch of collage kids might not make the best neighbors. Well I nervously marched over, still timid from the long night, and stated my piece. In response I was told very rudely to get off their half of the campsite and I did skedaddled and ended up retreating to the tent where I got a sweater on and spent the rest of the morning watching the sun come over the tress hitting the lake.  That was a beautiful memory also. Well my bf arrived as well as two other males, myself ending up being the only female in a group of 4 guys, all good friends.  Well, my bf was jealous and wanted to spend time with me, I didn’t mind until it seemed like I wasn’t allowed to hangout with any of the others, which I had planned to.  One night we were all at the end of the dock, enjoying the scene and my bf said he was going to bed, and when I said I wanted to stay out later, he pouted complaining that I didn’t spend enough time with him. Well, the rest of the trip was a nightmare.

The following week I broke up with my boyfriend. We discussed everything and I had come to the conclusion I wasn’t really in love with my high school sweetheart, but since we were together for so long it was expected of me to date him, forever.  I didn’t dump him, in respect and friendship; we talked the whole matter out. After, he went to his other best friend (girl) and poured his torn heart out... I don’t blame him for it at all, completely understandable, I even felt sorry hurting him. Well she became furious and had the urge to rip my head off, she told me that later. Well the next day I was kissed by a guy I actually had feelings for (which was discussed with my ex as another reason to break up, if I loved him why was I having deep feelings for one of my friends?). We both thought it was too soon to do anything and let me deal with the break up, then the day after, the guy I had considered my big brother for 3 years decided to tell me he loved me with all of his heart and showed me with a kiss also. Well, so soon after a break up and with two guys saying they loved me and my ex refusing we broke up and I was going to come back, I was confused and overwhelmed. Well, one of the guys backed off slightly, happening to be the guy I liked, and so I tried pursuing him. In the end it all turned out a contest between the guys to see which of them could win my heart and claim me as their own. The one I liked tried backing out only without knowing, but with myself pursuing him, just wanting to spend time with him and know him better before I dated him, unofficially made him part of the contest.  Being thrown around by my three best friends I ended up rebounding on my so-called brother, (I apologized for it later and we have talked since, uncomfortably, being prompted by his mother.  I don’t think I have yet to be able to call him a friend still, due to some stuff I will forever leave unmentioned, but will speak to him if the situation is brought up.) and then stressed, overburdened and completely overwhelmed I felt forced to make a choice in order to relive me of the pressing males about me.  I asked the guy I liked out officially about a month after the break up, which privately neither of us liked since we had wanted to give me at least 3 months of a break to recover from the break up. Well our relationship had been forced upon us so quickly it was mind boggling. The other two did let off, and I was left alone… To find out later how alone… well, I had lost all my friends from that group save the one I was dating….  I felt lost and abandoned.  I had the guy I liked, I was happy, but other than him, who was I to share the news with?  One of my girlfriends had taken my ex’s side and I wasn’t about o speak to her, and my other, well she was a few years younger and still immature, and had decided that yes, we suited each other but I felt she seemed intent on hanging out with her other friend than with me. Rumors started flying about my ex and I, and others and we ended up settling them friendly even though ties between anyone had been roughened up to invisible threads.

During the month after the break up, life happened, My Ex’s Father died in a horrible accident a week after we broke up and in grief he looked to the one he felt closest to, the girl who he had been dating for almost 4 years: me. Well, I felt weird, the one accompanying him to the funeral and the one who had broke his heart the week before, his “EX” girlfriend.

Funeral over, I hung around (to make sure he and his family were coping) and 3 days after his father’s death the two of us were in his car on the way to my grandparents, coincidently we ending up following the guy I liked on his way to get car parts, when his car lost control and My ex and I witnessed our friend do a few circles, slam into a tree, bounce off and end up hood first in a bus stop.  Sprinting to the car, I found out he was alive, basically unhurt, in shock and shaken up.  His car was totaled, sadly, because he loved that thing. After a few hours of dealing with paramedics, police, and parents the tree of us made our way to my grandparents.

 Later (about a week or two after I started dating again) another of my friends who I had know from school, died. On the night before Halloween he was struck by a car and thrown, dying on the scene. Well, there was that funeral to go through and emotional turmoil…   

*sighs and long break*

Well, my young adult group I was part of was dying, and I ended up I felt like I had been pushed off to the sides, ignored. I stopped going the enjoyment drained from hanging out with those people, making me feel hurt, cry and depressed after and soon I started a search for another church, for the same reasons, my new boyfriend by my side.  Finding the Christian life a little confusing and hectic I started feeling myself really getting lost, both spiritually and mentally.  Trying his hardest, my new bf attempted to help me look for who I was and support me on all my ideas, finally watching me slow down and take a break from church altogether.  (I am still searching for a church and though I have gripped some identity of my spirituality, some still is left hanging)

Christmas came and went and the New Year began. For the past couple month, to keep or heath and relationship in shape, my boyfriend and I went on nightly walks, to talk. Learn more about each other and ourselves. The 3 miles did wonder, and we loved it, often taking my dog along for the exercise... We ended up stopping when it was to cold to walk anymore; mid January we attempted a walk in the clear cold night...  Unfortunately it was the wrong night. A block from his home we were both attacked by two loose bullmastiffs, one was 170lbs while the other was 140lbs.  Heaven sent - a car drove by, allowing my bf to rid himself of the last clinging dog. Rushed to the hospital we were bandaged up. He ended up with scars on both of his arms, very deep ones where he needed rehab to get them back in shape. I had landed with a grazed neck and scars on both my leg and wrist.  I was on crutches for a few days… The two of us stayed together at his parent’s house in order to recover beside each other, supporting the other with their presence.  

About this time my ex had wrote me a long e-mail explaining and apologizing for his actions earlier. After reading the letter, I was so moved and surprised I had no idea how to respond I left the e-mail unanswered. I wanted to show appreciation of his word and thanks, but I was so confused on how to word my response without getting his hopes up about me returning (for I have been living in fear of one of the guys thinking they still had a chance with me.) which has been an action left on my mind I keep regretting.

After our shock fro the dog attack had worn off I was plunged into packing and renovations before the move. My family’s money had finally run out and we had to clean our house up and move, downsize. The next months were busy, I had only one close friend, my bf, who dutifully was found almost everyday he wasn’t working with his father, at our house, helping renovate and pack.

I did have 2 other friends, they weren’t too close, and hung out more with my bf than myself. One was the forth guy at the camping trip, who had been friends with my ex, though saw that I was happy and supported my new relationship, the other friend was his younger sister, the girlfriend who had her group of rebellious friends who she occasionally took a break from to se me.  Those were highlights in my bleak times, along with the blessing of my first cousin being born in my tiny family late November. I’m a people person and like being surrounded by others, (thought I clash with myself at times and lock myself away with the computer or a book for alone time)

Well the move came, after a load of trouble trying to find a house we liked and selling ours, we moved from a busy town with malls, cinemas, and tons of things to do… to a little village in the country about half an hour away.  This secluded me even more, I felt alone moved out of the house I had known for 17 years into a strange town and with bare minimum of entertainment… ooo a bowling alley - which is closed most of the time. No car and no job, (I had to quit my previous one due to not having a car, and lack of transportation at 5am in the morning…) I felt like a 2 inch goldfish in a 50 gallon tank.

Dutifully my boyfriend drove out to see me; whether he was working or not, every day just so I wouldn’t feel deserted by the move, showing me clearly he was a devoted man who had clear feelings for me. I paid for his gas (with gas prices obscenely high, is an added reason any friends with cars would use to protest the drive to see me) thankful that I had some company in this place. Shy, I was afraid to go out into the dangerous unknown neighborhood, and therefore shy to meet any strangers to who may become friends.  The other two friends, one had a job, a life, and the other a new Bf, and no car; so luck wasn’t with me to see her much out my way. Occasionally I see the first when he hangs out with my bf, or have a change in company when I tag along with my bf’s other friends, who I barely know.  I’m attempting on making friends with them but as time goes on out here in the country I am feeling more and more alone… more and more deserted and ignored.

It’s my girlfriend’s birthday weekend now, and having expressed earlier I had wanted to take her out clubbing for her birthday she seemed excited. Though having talked to my bf in curiosity of wondering if she was working today, he having heard from her brother, she was out partying with her other friends and bf, in order to celebrate her 19th...  Well, I feeling totally dropped in a hole and buried had decided to let myself write this and rant my anger out. My boyfriend sympathetic at my side sees my need of having a girl to talk to, another friend to hang out with and drink coffee and chat about life; being unable to find a way to help in his busy schedule he offers me his shoulder to cry on when I break down emotionally in this trying time. Trying to stand like a trooper, I go out to search for work, getting interviews, but nothing else… or retreating to my computer to chat with friends on msn, to far away to visit, yet someone to speak to, or escape from the world altogether in my massive collection of books.

I know this is very personal and may mention a few who may read this. May I say to those out there for their peace of mind….  In my stress and unstable emotions (it’s that time of the month :P) I may leave out some things accidentally or put emphasis on other things, making something seem worse than it is, so forgive me since this is a rant of my current state of mind and I have a philosophy,… I don’t edit rants. This may cause some hard feelings or misunderstandings, and again, I ask forgiveness as I return to sanity once again.

To my BF – thank you for being there when my life has been rough, even though it’s been hard for you also, being support, understanding my times I needed to get upset, hate the world, cry my heart out, be left alone, or times when all I needed was you to make me laugh. To understanding and standing up under the pressure accomplish more than I ever could ask, thank you.

To my ex - who, to me, is surprisingly watching this site, I am sorry for the lack of communication, having been so unsure of what to say and scared out of my mind… I am truthfully happy for you, ecstatic (and you can ask Daryl, cause when I found out I was hyper and talking my mouth off to him) may I say that you have found someone else, and I do wish you all the luck with Nikki in the future.

Daryl - between work , school and life, you’ve tried to show that along with my bf, you can be another friend who occasionally will take his own time and gas to drive out to see me.

To Leanna, I am happy that you have Daniel, and though it is hard to find time in both of our schedules when we can meet, I do wish I could see you much more often than I do, for sometimes I do need girl talk, or a female to hangout with because, no matter how girly Devin tries to be, sometimes I just need a girlfriend..

Owen, I left you out of most of this because I understand your position and trouble and - though I do wish you could get a bus out to my place sometime (there is a couch if you really are desperate) - I understand due to your work, lack of transportation, and location that it is hard and I hold nothing against you for that.

Well, It’s getting late, my problems are down on paper, and my temper, stress, and frustration have dissipated, I will end this now and take my mind off things by diving into another book, or play with my bf’s new cat as I watch him and Daryl work on the transmission of his blazer, all the time patiently waiting to get into the white beast and drive a long soothing road trip all the way to Chilliwack just to get an IceCaff from Tims.

If you have read all this and made it this far, I say thank you for caring about my messed up life, and good night. Sending you off to do something a bit more interesting then sitting in front of a computer screen. Go enjoy life!

Dear Me.

Day after my birthday, and it's sunny and warm.  no one is home. had a wierd dream about poker.  My boyfriend called and he's working on his truck, putting it back to carburated. fun stuff. his friend is trying to get money to buy his blazer. his sister bought his cavalier.  Thinking about taking the dog for a walk around this neighbour hood...